Sunday 31 December 2017

New Year's Interview with Mrs. Bastard

It's that time yet again, ladies and gentleman.  Time once again to say goodbye to the raging shitmaelstrom that was 2017, and hello to the brand new year.  2018!  The year where everything will suddenly be so much better!  This will be the year frauds and mountebanks will cower under the supreme reign of science and evidence, and when incompetent orange quarterwits will no longer be in charge!

Ha.  Ha.  No. We all know that won't fucking happen.  But instead of wallowing in pseudoscientific misery, let's instead (as promised) enjoy this rousing interview with my wife, Mrs. Bastard (not her real name™). 

You asked the questions, and she's graciously answered them.  Questions I've deemed too personal have been unreservedly ignored and/or sent to live in the White House with Mr. Trump, because censorship is totally fucking legal (and in fact actively encouraged) in Bastardia.  So without further ado, I give you my wife.


Ha haha ha.  Siiiigh.

What's DocBastard's embarrassing secret/s? (from Timethyfx)
I don't know.  *turns to me*  Do you have any?  {No.  Of fucking course not.  I air all my dirty laundry right here.}

What is your favorite blog post? (from Casi G)

I guess I would have to have read them to be able to answer that.  No, actually Doc tells me all of the stories the second he gets back from the hospital, no matter if I'm enjoying my morning coffee or taking a shower or whatever.  I get to relive them all personally and in all their gory detail.

What is your favorite holiday and why? (from Angel)
My favourite time of year is December, as the general population tends to be kinder, more understanding, more patient, and more at peace with each other.

What is Doc's "tell" that there is a new story forming? (from Ken Brown)
Usually when he gets home, sighs, smiles, and says, "You're not going to believe this one".  And then I respond by saying, "That sounds like a blog post!"

How stressed is Doc at home about work? (anon)
He's most stressed when he's lost a patient that he feels he shouldn't have, or if he has a patient who's very sick and he can't figure out why.

What brings tough ole Doc Bastard to tears? (from Nautipirate).
I can't think of anything that's brought him to tears.  {You're goddamned right there isn't.}  Perhaps a spoiled beer.  {Nope.}  The last piece of lasagne?  {Nah.}  The end of season 7 of Game of Thrones with a year and a half to wait until season 8?  {Ok, you got me there.  *sniff*  Dammit, I got something in my eye.}

How is grocery shopping with the DocBastard? (from Cali)
Do we grocery shop together?  Have we ever been grocery shopping together?  {For the record - YES WE HAVE.  God damn it.}

Would you want your kids to be Doc Bastard juniors? (from Joan B)
Aren't they already DocBastard juniors?  But if you're asking if I want them to be doctors, no.  NO.  NO NO NO NO NO NO.

In other words, no.

Is Doc any good at carving the turkey? (from tania cadogan)
What do you think?  Does a bear shit in the woods?

Whats the best thing Doc can cook? (from Shark)
He makes a mean fresh fettuccini with bolognese.

We know what doc thinks of shows like House, but what does Mrs. Bastard think? (from Connor)
I think they're largely entertaining, as long as you buy into willful suspension of disbelief.  {And can put up with me constantly yelling at the television because they've royally fucked something else up AGAIN.  Come on, Hollywood.  I'm available for consulting work.  Call me.}

How did you come to marry Doc? Did he propose on bended knee, did you propose to him, or did you just both decide it was time? (from Cleopatra)
He proposed on bended knee.  I feel like he should have been on both knees.  And he also should have chosen a location that we could go back and visit that wasn't destroyed.  {No, I'm NOT TELLING, so don't even ask.}

How long have you two been married? (From Not your average housewife)
Long enough.  {Love you too, dear.}  No, it seems like just yesterday.  Long enough to put up with each others' idiosyncrasies and even be fond of some of them.  Long enough to finish each others' sentences and know what each other is thinking, but not long enough not to discover new things about each other.  {Aww, no seriously, I love you too, dear.} 

What's the best present Doc ever gave you? (Excluding your perfect offspring, of course.) (from RC)
My cappuccino machine.   And that big green sweater with the giant gold buttons that was probably the most hideous thing I've ever seen.  {Really?  Come on, I barely knew you then.  Are you ever going to let that go?)

How do you keep your household running smoothly? Does Doc help with the dishes? (anon)
WD40.  It keeps everything running smoothly.  No, lists, lists, and more lists.  Speaking of lists, have you changed that light bulb over the piano yet?  It's been TWO YEARS.  {No, because it's only been 2 years.}  And did you empty the dishwasher?  {Yes.}

What made you fall in love with Doc, and he with you? (anon)
I think there was instant attraction and chemistry, but I don't know what made me fall in love with him.  It must have been his charming personality and his wit.  {I swear I didn't make that up.  Those were her exact words.  Honest.}  It certainly wasn't his taste in clothes.  Or hideous green sweaters with giant gold buttons.  {Oh, har dee fucking har har.}

Do you have any advice for newly weds/ new parents/just random pieces of good general life advice? (from the small raven)
Advice for newlyweds: 1) Don't marry a trauma surgeon.  2) Never go to bed mad at each other.  3) Respect each other. 
Advice for new parents: 1) Don't throw the baby against the wall.  2) Don't throw the baby against the wall.  3) I mean it, don't throw the baby against the wall.  4) Don't worry, projectile vomit and pee do come out in the laundry and don't leave a stain.  Usually.
Random good life advice: Be good, and do good.  {See why I married her?}

What is Doc's favorite dish for you to cook and will you share the recipe? (from Promise)
His favourite thing is lasagne.  I use the Fanny Farmer recipe.  Google it.  {She doesn't like to share recipes for some reason.  Don't Google it - I've done it for you.  Just click the first picture.}

We all know that Doc Bastard has a fascination for pulling various things out of rectums. What is the best "removed from rectum" story he's ever told you? I bet it wasn't the one he told US! (from Wednesday)
Actually, it is.  It's the Coke bottle story, for sure.  I think that's one of his first blog posts.  And it was his first RFO.  Still the best.  That was a great story.  {Yes, yes it was.}

If DocB were an animal (of the non-human sort) what animal would he be? What would you be? What kind of hybrids would the Little Bastards be? (anon)
He would be a non-lazy animal.  He would be an industrious, cute animal.  I think he would be a beaver, because he can whittle things out of wood.  I, on the other hand, would be a honey badger.  Why?  Because honey badger doesn't give a shit.  Our hybrid son would be a sloth-hyena because he likes to hang off things and makes way too much noise all the time.  Our hybrid daughter would be a unicorn.  {Because why the hell not.}

Does Doc utilize any of his surgical skills at home? Can he sew a hem? (from OldFoolRN)
He uses his surgical skills all the time at home.  Let's put it this way - when a hem needs to be sewn or a button needs to be replaced, it's not Mrs. Bastard doing it.  I just say, "Daddy Bastard, can you please sew this for me or close this hole in this stuffed animal or replace its arm?"  I can also guarantee the button will never fall off again.  {For the record, MomBastard taught me to sew when I was about 8, though I do usually use surgical knots which she did not teach me.}

If you could magically change Doc's profession, what would you have it be? What type of place would be your dream retirement destination? (from Hippodamia)
I would change his profession to personal chef.  Because then I would never have to cook again.  {What, you think I'd still bring my work home with me?}  And he would have better hours.  Our dream retirement destination would be someplace where it's 28 degrees {that's Celcius} all year round, people are nice, life isn't so rushed, but has access to all the amenities and culture of a big city. {That place doesn't exist, dear.}

What kind of movies do you like and what do you watch together? (from Scott Aylor)
I like comedies. {I like sci fi}.  I can't remember the last time we watched a movie together and didn't fall asleep.  Am I asleep right now?  Are we still doing this interview right now? 


There you have it, folks.  Another year and another interview wrapped up.  I'll see if Mrs. Bastard is up for another interview next year.  If she hasn't killed me yet.  Maybe I'll have even changed the light bulb over the piano by then.

Probably not.

Happy New Year!


  1. I had a roommate for a long time who was a chef. We lived together for like 6 years and I can't remember a single time he EVER cooked at home. :)

  2. "But if you're asking if I want them to be doctors, no. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO."

    Would you explain more? What is it about emergency medicine or general medicine which makes it, or will make it, a poor career choice?

    Like the ghost of Christmas future, must this come about or can changes now produce a society which makes medicine great again?

    1. I'm neither an emergency medicine doc nor a general medicine doc.

    2. Sorry, I didn't mean to misidentify your expertise. I was thinking more about what your child(ren) might find in medicine related to your experience.

  3. for the record, LED light bulbs have come of age, and if you look diligently you can find one to fit most of those hard to reach places.

  4. so fun! but please not the fanny farmer lasagne. really

  5. In the UK, fanny has a totally different meaning, an unfortunate meaning but one that gives us Brits hours of entertainment.

    Fanny is Brit slang for vagina.

    Thus, Fanny farmer brings up a whole new and extremely funny visual.

    Happy New Year from us Brits, my neighbors have let off the flash bangs whilst totally sloshed and i haven't yet heard any screaming, the East Europeans whose kitchen and dining room face into my back garden (for whatever reason) are singing badly and celebrating 2016, who knew?

    I hope 2018 is a better year for everyone and the Doc finds enough RFO to keep him satisfied and amused and then posts them for us.

    Big hugs all round xx

  6. Funny thing is doc my father had the same thing happen when they proposed. It was a place thatd been there since the 20s,and he proposed at the hotels gazebo. His idea was "this place has been here forever itll never go away!" 2 months later the place got mostly torn down and abandoned for 4 years (it was eventually the gazebo that he proposed at...)

  7. Grocery shopping is about the only monotony we get.. I work 11 hour shifts, he works 10 hour shifts, grocery's shopping is our time.. It turns in childish debauchery most the time.. The husband better not bend over in front of me or he gets dry humped as I try to make him twerk.. Trust me, don't ever go to the store with me..

    1. grocery shopping with the wife is an exercise in patience, for me. we have different shopping styles. she looks at everything in the store, while I ignore anything that isn't on-task.

  8. Thanks for the Q&A Mrs. Bastard! Happy New Year to you, Doc & the little Bastards. Keep warm.

  9. Thank you kindly Doc Bastard for sharing that slice of your life in such an entertaining way. Happy New Year (nautipirate).

  10. *whispering* what is an "orange quarterwit"? Quarterwit = dumb person, but what does orange in this context stand for? *sorry non-native speaker*

    1. The President of the United States of America Donald Trump. He has an orange tint to his skin.


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