Friday 7 March 2014


I'd like to take a break from storytelling for a bit and instead take a little trip, with your indulgence of course.  Naturally you're more than welcome to come along if you'd like.  If not, then move aside and let the good people get by.  I assure you it isn't a long trip regardless of your current location.

Yes, come with me to a place where stupidity is nonexistent.  Where everyone actually uses his brain inside his head before speaking.  Where every action is premeditated.  Where sentence fragments are acceptable due to creative license.  Where crime is non-existent because it's dumb and only dumb people commit crimes.  And where everyone knows that indefinite pronouns like "everyone" are singular nouns and thus require singular verbs.

This amazing location may sound like some imaginary place like Narnia, Neverland, Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, Atlantis, or Walmart (seriously, can you really buy flat-screen TVs, clothes, tyres, and pineapples there?!), but I assure you it's quite real. 

So what's the name of this wonderful, fantastical place where only good, intelligent people exist?  Where stupidity isn't just frowned upon, it's against the law?  Where bacon is a main course and not simply relegated to a breakfast side dish?  Where dessert is always eaten first because why the hell not?  Why, it's Bastardia.

And the location of this magnificent place?  Sadly, it's only in my head.

For now.

The Bastardia of my imagination is a kind, civil country.  There is no need for police or armed forces, because no one argues.  Oh, there may be an odd squabble over whether you prefer 2% milk or fat-free, a tiff over whether football is better than football (it is), or a minor row over whether you like cats or dogs (cats obviously).  But major confrontation is joyously absent because everyone communicates with each other and uses words rather than fists (or other more dangerous weapons) to solve problems.  Everyone cares what other people think and respects their opinions.  Everyone living here is intelligent, sensible, logical, respectful, and reasonable.

Now that I think about it, it sounds a bit like Vulcan.  Minus the pointy ears, of course.  Hm.

Obviously I've thought long and hard about what Bastardia will be.  Other than stupidity, there will be a few other things that will be gloriously illegal in Bastardia: 

  • Tobacco
  • Ke$ha
  • Using a jackhammer at 6AM
  • The recorder (the worst musical "instrument" ever invented)
  • Celebrities being famous for no reason (I'm looking at you, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton)
  • Country music (Red Solo Cup, Toby Keith?  Really?)
  • Reality television
  • Politics
  • Bigotry

I apologise - those last two entries seem to be repetitious.  Anyway, Bastardia will be the Utopia of the 21st century, and it will come to fruition someday.  I've determined that there are just 4 easy steps I'll need to fulfill:

  1. Find enough money to buy or build an uninhabited island large enough to accommodate my whims (I figure one the size of Iceland should suffice)
  2. Terraform the island
  3. Build the necessary infrastructure (roads, libraries, schools, hospitals, Starbucks, etc)
That's the easy part.  Yes indeed, finding several trillion pounds/dollars/euros/rupees/rubles is the easy part.  So then what's the hard part?  Well if you were paying attention, you'd notice I only mentioned three of the four steps.  So the hardest step would be step 4...

Finding enough people who would qualify to live there.  The line forms to the left, right behind Neil deGrasse Tyson and Natalie Portman.  But no pushing!

Donations are being accepted now.


  1. I'll get in line behind Portman, if that's okay with you!

  2. Can Bill Nye come to play? And how about the wonderfully talented and funny Jennifer Lawrence?
    Will healthcare be automatic and everyone get the same treatment no matter what they look like, smell like, or live?
    Will Tim Hortons allow Krispy Kreme across the street and Dunkin' Donuts down the road a piece?
    Wil Carling still ask Mable for a Black Label and the Budweiser Clydesdales roam the fields of the country?
    Sounds good to me.

  3. Wouldn't you add "religious idiocy" to the list? :p

  4. May I please apply for the position of "Bastardia's Official Crazy Cat Lady?" I can hardly imagine the joy of living somewhere with no "reality" TV, and no Kardashians or tobacco, both equally evil!

    Kesha left eating disorder rehab today and dropped the $ from her name. As if it makes a difference in her "music."

  5. I feel sorry for Kesha sometimes. Forced to act like an idiot by her producers, when her real self is much more reasonable.

  6. I'll work to improve my English and try to use my brain frequently... Please Keep your promise of serving dessert first. Oh wait I have only what is supposed to be a dessert for lunch..College life rocks.

  7. Wait a minute... Valve (the video game company) has a hiring process you might be interested in. They also most likely have the trillions of dollars required for the easy part.

    Might be a good place to start.

  8. May I still enjoy listening to Britney Spears in my private residence on the island? I won't force the music on anyone else.......

  9. Can Justin Bieber be illegal as well?

    1. Falls under the "famous for no reason" category.

  10. When you said "where everyone actually use his brain", was that a test to see who actually did understand "everyone" is singular?

  11. You forgot motorcycles, Doc.

  12. Allowed: George Takei, Elon Musk
    Banned: Rick Perry, quesaritos


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