So what's the name of this wonderful, fantastical place where only good, intelligent people exist? Where stupidity isn't just frowned upon, it's against the law? Where bacon is a main course and not simply relegated to a breakfast side dish? Where dessert is always eaten first because why the hell not? Why, it's Bastardia.
And the location of this magnificent place? Sadly, it's only in my head.
The Bastardia of my imagination is a kind, civil country. There is no need for police or armed forces, because no one argues. Oh, there may be an odd squabble over whether you prefer 2% milk or fat-free, a tiff over whether football is better than football (it is), or a minor row over whether you like cats or dogs (cats obviously). But major confrontation is joyously absent because everyone communicates with each other and uses words rather than fists (or other more dangerous weapons) to solve problems. Everyone cares what other people think and respects their opinions. Everyone living here is intelligent, sensible, logical, respectful, and reasonable.
Now that I think about it, it sounds a bit like Vulcan. Minus the pointy ears, of course. Hm.
- Using a jackhammer at 6AM
- The recorder (the worst musical "instrument" ever invented)
- Celebrities being famous for no reason (I'm looking at you, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton)
- Country music (Red Solo Cup, Toby Keith? Really?)
- Reality television
I apologise - those last two entries seem to be repetitious. Anyway, Bastardia will be the Utopia of the 21st century, and it will come to fruition someday. I've determined that there are just 4 easy steps I'll need to fulfill:
- Find enough money to buy or build an uninhabited island large enough to accommodate my whims (I figure one the size of Iceland should suffice)
- Terraform the island
- Build the necessary infrastructure (roads, libraries, schools, hospitals, Starbucks, etc)
Finding enough people who would qualify to live there. The line forms to the left, right behind Neil deGrasse Tyson and Natalie Portman. But no pushing!
Donations are being accepted now.