Thursday, 11 August 2016



People talk too much.  I've often said that a closed mouth gathers no feet, but no one seems to listen, probably because they're too busy flapping their gums.  Despite the fact that everyone on the planet seemingly talks nonstop (my children included, unfortunately), some truly great notable quotes have managed to avoid getting buried by the mundane and banal:
I have a dream. - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr
To find yourself, think for yourself. - Socrates
That's one small step for man . . . - Neil Armstrong
I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. - Mahatma Gandhi 
This above all else: to thine own self be true. - William Shakespeare 
As you can see there have been some pretty goddamned great quotes over the course of human history.  But as with everything, there are two sides of the story.  As great as those quotes are, some others have said some really fucking stupid things:

Yes . . . they actually wrote that.  Fucking imbeciles.  To be fair, if you were to put a microphone on Trump at any time of day, you'd probably get many more quotes that would fit quite nicely on any Stupidest Quotes list.

Anyway, sadly none of the really good quotes have been either A) said by me or B) directed to me.  And since this egotistical little blog is all about me, I thought I'd share probably the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me. 

Brace yourselves. 

Anyone who knows anything about this stupid little blog knows that my favourite thing in the world is the RFO.  In case you aren't clear on what an RFO is, you can read more about them here, here, or here.  I may make it seem like RFOs are very common, but sadly they are not.

Hmm . . . reading back that last paragraph, I make rectal foreign objects sound incredibly creepy, even creepier than they actually are.  Let me explain so I don't sound quite so creepy.  The reason I like removing them so much is because it is usually a very simple procedure, and it is a remarkably satisfying experience.  

Hmmmm . . . that explanation didn't really seem to help things at all.  Damn.

Ok fine, you want the truth?  You really want the truth?  You think you can handle the truth?  FINE!  Yes, I enjoy taking things out of people's asses.  There, I said it!  Are you happy now?  I enjoy it, and if that makes me a disgusting human being, then so be it.  But before you turn away to vomit, consider this: It takes only a few minutes, patients feel better immediately, they often require little-to-no anaesthesia, and they usually are able to go right back home.  How many other surgical procedures are able to make that claim?  Very few.

Did that help at all?  Still no?  Well damn.

Anyway, back to the story.  

The call from the emergency physician came in just before midnight (of course), and it was the same as all the others:

Doctor Emergency (not her real name™): Hey Doc, I have a guy here with something stuck.
Me {suddenly fully awake}: Something?  What is it?
DE: I don't know, and he won't tell me.  I can feel it, but I can't get it.

I may have sounded a tad too excited, because when I arrived a few minutes later, Doctor Emergency looked startled, like she was about to call a psychiatrist on me.  Apparently I need to learn to tone down my excitement a bit.

A quick glance at the patient's X-ray told me two things: 1) There was no evidence of perforation (good), and 2) whatever "it" was was not metallic (also good - that usually makes it easier to grab).

I walked into the room and introduced myself to Antonio (not his real name™), who seemed entirely plussed.  That was fairly extraordinary - I was expecting him to be at least a little nonplussed.  Regardless, I decided not to beat around the bush and got straight to the point:

Me: Hi there, I'm Doctor Bastard.  So what is it?
Antonio: It's an anatomically correct dildo.  Well, actually I guess technically it's a dong.

Uh . . . well that was unexpected.  I felt somewhat stupid because I had no idea that there was a difference, so I asked him.

"You see doctor, a dildo is just a phallic object, but a dong is shaped like a penis and has balls."

Oh.  Well ok then.

After absorbing that information (and silently wondering if I will ever have occasion to use it again), I asked him how long it had been stuck.  Six hours, was his answer.  SIX FUCKING HOURS.  He had apparently been trying (and failing) to remove it for quite some time before giving up and resigning himself to the fact that he would need to seek professional help.

And that's where I stepped in.

A rectal exam gave me all the information I needed.  I could feel it just a few centimeters above his anal verge, but as is usual in these situations I couldn't grasp it.  Fortunately I had thought ahead and had stopped by the operating theatre front desk for a few supplies, including some heavy duty grasping clamps.  \

After a bit of light sedation, Antonio lay down on his side.  I inserted the clamp into his rectum along my finger, felt for the flange, and grabbed it (making sure not to catch any rectal tissue).

"Ok Antonio, are you ready?  One . . . two . . . three . . . PUSH!"

After about 10 seconds of grunting, pushing, pulling, screaming, and prayer, out popped this:
Most of the time all that grunting and pushing results in a baby.  No such luck for Antonio.

Though I figured I knew the answer to my obvious question already, I decided to ask it anyway.  Do want your dong?  And that's when Antonio hit me with the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me:

"Um, no.  I don't think my wife wants it back."

In my entire medical career I've rarely had to suppress a laugh as much as I did at that precise moment.  But suppress it I did.  At least for a few minutes until I got back to my car.

And then the hilarity of imagining Antonio giving his wife her dong back, trying to explain where he had been, and where it had been, fell over me.

I'm sure she would have said something notable.


  1. Trump also said this:


  3. ah, it's nice to be back to our regularly scheduled stupid.

    I'll have to see if I can recall a good customer quote.

  4. Thanks Doc... I needed a laugh today.

  5. Oh God! I thought my darkest nightmare was a Trump/Gingrich ticket, thank God that did not happen. Now Trump and Cher are adding anti-vaxxing to the discussion...I am in hell!

  6. "Yes, I enjoy taking things out of people's asses." - DocBastard

    Quote of the year, people.

  7. We should have a contest to see who can use the line "No, I don't think my wife wants it back" in the most inappropriate situation - obviously none of us is going to touch the original but it might be fun to try!


  8. Maybe it was his wife who put it there? You never know

  9. Dr. B:
    Nonplussed is one of those misused words that means the opposite of what you think it means. Perhaps nonchalant would be better.
    You would expect him to be a little chalant.

    1. Actually "plussed" is what I meant. I switched the two by accident. Thanks.

  10. Just how do they train you guys to avoid laughing like that???

  11. Not related to RFO's, but since today's topic is a humorous one, I'll share some real-life medical humor too.

    My dear friend L had arthroscopic surgery yesterday to repair a torn meniscus. After L. was awake and alert, the orthopedic surgeon visited to give his report on the procedure, and instructions for follow-up.

    Doc: Great news! Everything went well, and there should be no problems. In fact, in no time at all, you'll be back on your feet again, and dancing like a pro!

    L. Doc, that's a miracle!

    Doc(modestly): Well, I told you it was nothing to worry about. I'm glad this was easy, but I'd hardly call it a miracle.

    L.: But it IS. I *never* could dance well, even *before* my knee got hurt!

  12. Back on the topic of "Antonio" and his RFO, I couldn't help but notice a bit of gender bias in the story...the ER doc (female)reported that the patient wouldn't tell *her* anything about the object, yet he apparently had no problem sharing the particulars with *you.*

    Reminds me of a story my mom shared with me a few weeks ago. She's currently in a rehab/nursing facility, getting physical therapy after sustaining a fall injury. Because most of the patients in her wing are recovering from hip, leg, or back surgeries/injuries, their mobility is limited, so the CNAs assist as needed with their daily personal care and hygiene routines (dressing, toileting, showering, etc.)

    As happens in health care or any other business, personnel assignments change as staff gets days off, use vacation time, or whatever. One day, Mom went into the dining room for lunch and found herself in the midst of a planned protest action. A number of the women at the cluster of tables on her side of the room were expressing their intentions to refuse to take their scheduled showers...because they had noticed that the CNA assigned to their area for that day was...oh, horrors...male! No way were they going to let "a man" see them naked! They figured that if they refused service from a male CNA, the administration would *have* to respond by sending them a female instead.

    Of course, Mom thought this was unbelievably funny, and pissed off a few of her "neighbors" by refusing to join in the action. What was even funnier was that later in the day, when it was time for *her* shower, the "man" who showed up to assist was a longtime acquaintance...the same nursing assistant who had provided home health care for my Dad a few years ago! So, Mom and "Peter" enjoyed a nice chatty visit while she got her shower, and she proudly wore a clean outfit to dinner. :)

    1. Great story Scarab! Your mom is one smart lady :D

      I notice that where I work as well. Many times when a young lady or woman suspects they have a yeast infection or comes in to get the morning after pill, they insist on consulting with a female pharmacist. A few have left and tried their luck at another pharmacy if the only pharmacist on staff that day was a male.

    2. One point I forgot to mention is the fact that several of the patients involved in the "shower boycott" action have the same primary care doctor as Mom, and several also have the same orthopedic specialist. Both doctors are men. There's no logical explanation for the fact that these women have no problem with being examined by Dr. A. and Dr. M. regularly, but can't deal with a male nursing assistant helping them with routine personal care.

  13. I really enjoyed RFOs also when working in the OR and love to read and hear about others still. I think they always have a great story that goes along with it. The story has great elements of A) what the object was and B) how the patient explains how it got there. I think anyone who works in the OR would totally understand and agree that those cases are their favorite too! We all have a twisted sense of humor and strange and morbid interests.

    One favorite story of mine is a soldier in the army came to our hospital because he had been told at the military hospital that if he came back in with anything else ever again they would "section 8" him. He had a cucumber up there. Our General Surgeon on call that weekend was a traveling doc and we didn't know him as well as our own docs. He had trouble trying to pull it out. Using rakes, he only ended up shredding the cucumber down the sides and the phrase "salad shooter" was shout out by someone in the room. He eventually had to just cut into several pieces to remove it.
    Have you ever removed fruits or vegetables DocB? And if so, how were you able to remove it?

  14. WOW! I come back from vacation & Doc Bastard posts THIS my first night home. :) Didn't realize how much I missed this place. Lemme go catch up on the blogs I missed.

  15. Way back, a few decades ago as a brand new LVN, 18yrs old, I was assigned to a surgical floor. Got my patient list for my shift. On one patient his diagnosis was foreign body in rectum. Way out loud at nurses station in front of co-workers and doctors I said " how in the world do you get a foreign body in your rectum? I could hear snickering in the background. My nursing supervisor had to take me aside and tell me. I was a very naive 18 yr old. Anyway turned out it was a candle. My patient came back from the recovery room, I checked his vitals. Next time I came in his room to check him he was gone, his clothes, everything was gone. He got out of there as fast as possible.

  16. Hi Doc - you may not have seen this but I think you and the dog should swap stories.

    Wednesday (I need to find my password - sorry!)

    1. I had not seen that. That toy is...interesting.

    2. I don't know about anyone else, but I thought it was scary.

      I also thought it was funny as hell that it is now on display at a club. In the trophy cabinet.

      @Shark - if it's dishwasher safe I think they can be shared. Or at least it appears as though it can be washed in soap and water and then soaked in chlorhexidine. Not much gets past chlorhexidine. My vet uses it between horses when he's floating teeth.

  17. ugh. i bet you love draining abscesses, too. >.<

  18. I mean... would she have wanted it back anyway? You aren't suppose to share toys interchangeably like that to begin with.

  19. These RFO stories always bring to mind a bit of advice I learned from my mum: Just because you can do something doesn't always mean you should.
    The things people must say to explain themselves when it's not a typical sex toy...

  20. there's a story of a bartender.
    a man walked into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
    the monkey jumped down, ran over to the pool table, grabbed the cue ball and swallowed it.
    the bartender said, "did you see what your monkey just did?"
    the man said, "yeah, he swallows everything, don't worry, I'll pay for it."

    a couple days later, the man and monkey were in again. the monkey jumped down, ran across the bar, grabbed a maraschino cherry, stuck it up his backside, and then swallowed it.

    the bartender said "did you see what your monkey just did?

    the man said, "yeah, after that cue ball, he measures everything first."

  21. Glad to see your back from vacation. Hope you had a great time. Looks like it did wonders for your mental health.

  22. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that the balls were there to prevent that sort of thing from happening. He must've pushed it in really hard!


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