Ok, more stupid patient stories. One of my favourites is a 33 year old woman who jumped out of a second story window. Why? Because the guy she was with told her she had to go. So she went...out the window. Of course she was high on cocaine, why even ask!
She broke several bones in her back, but that's not the best part. I was doing a FAST (Focused Abdominal Sonogram for Trauma) to check for any signs of internal bleeding, and when I put the ultrasound probe over her pelvis, I saw something move.
"Any chance you could be pregnant?" I asked her.
"No, I just had my period 2 weeks ago," she replied.
The fetus was actually 24 weeks along and probably just as high on cocaine as she was.
Stupidity isn't limited to trauma - it carries over to general surgery, too. I finished doing a hernia repair on a guy a few days ago, and as we all know, patients who undergo hernia surgery should avoid any heavy lifting for 3-4 weeks after the operation. I reminded him of this, and he looked at me askance and said, "But my leading lady weighs about 21 stone (300 pounds)."
I thought he must be kidding. But he wasn't smiling or laughing.
"Just don't pick her up," I replied, thinking he must be joking.
"I mean in bed."
He's 71 years old. His wife is too.