Friday, 28 October 2011

Drug seeking

ATTENTION ALL DRUG SEEKING MORONS. ATTENTION. PLEASE READ.

I'm smarter than you. Have I said that before? I think so, but it bears repeating. You may think you're very clever and have it all figured out. You can try to claim you're allergic to ibuprofen, aspirin, naproxen, Toradol, Ultram, Tylenol/paracetamol, and everything except Dilaudid. But you can NOT fool me. I'm amazed that people are so arrogant that they think they can trick me into giving them narcotics.

Last night, two 22-year olds were in a car accident, and both claimed to have severe, crippling back pain. Red flag #1. I was suspicious, so I pulled up the driver's prescription record (didn't know I could do that, did you, smarty pants?). In the past few weeks, he had prescriptions for codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, 2 benzodiazepines, Ambien, and Viagra. Yes, VIAGRA. Red flag #2. Oh, and his arms were covered in track marks. Red flag #3.

After a CT of both their spines were normal (please, control your surprise), I watched as both were propping themselves up in bed and twisting and turning - all things that people with back injuries can not do. Red flag #264. I accused them of drug seeking, and the driver immediately threatened to sue me for malpractice (ha!!). I happily gave him my hospital ID and a pen and told him to write my name down and have his lawyer call me. Not the best idea, threatening to sue the guy who you're trying to con some narcotics from.

The driver's father, who is an oncologist, came and picked them up, and they amazingly were able to get up and walk out. It's a miracle!!!

You're both cretins. And you're busted.

2 comments:

  1. As a sufferer of extreme chronic pain, and part of the chronic illness community at large, I just want to give a big hefty FUCK YOU to creeps like that. Do they realize how difficult they make it for legitimate sufferers like us to get help? We are scrutinized, marginalized, treated like scum sucking, second class citizens whose only goal is to get drugs so we can get our jollies while hooting and hollering about how we tricked the system… when in reality, all we want is a few seconds, minutes, maybe hours of relief from the unrelenting, unremitting pain that drives us unmercifully into the cold, gritty earth. We want to live a semblance of a normal life that the carefully controlled narcotics would give us back, but so often we are denied… because of creeps like this. Again, I say, FUCK. YOU. Thank you for busting these cretins. I wish you had kicked them with a steel toed boot on their way out.. preferably in those thoroughly healthy spines of theirs. I know that can be pretty painful. Give them a taste of what REAL back pain feels like, eh?

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