Wednesday, 23 May 2018

Likely story

I read a little story on the internet some time back (and because it was on the internet, it simply must be true) about a young man who was brought to the trauma bay (not mine) after being shot, and though he definitely looked like he was up to no good, he claimed he was shot while waiting for his grandmother to pick him up to take him to church.  No one in the trauma bay believes his ludicrous story, of course, until Grandma shows up a short while later in her Sunday Best, looking for her grandson to take him to church.

We often joke about what nefarious deeds our trauma patients have been perpetrating immediately preceding their injuries, and I have no idea if that vignette is true, but whether you believe it or not, it makes for a great fucking story.  This story is kind of like that.

Not really.

Mondays are supposed to be slow, easy trauma days.  After all, the Call Gods should be exhausted after harassing the unlucky weekend trauma surgeons for 72 straight hours (Friday counts as a weekday in the Call God Calendar for some damned reason), but this Monday was most definitely not easy.  The chaos started exactly 2 minutes after I walked through the door (fall), and it continued with a new fall or car accident or motorcycle crash every 30 minutes or so for the next 10 hours.  For a while it appeared that I would break my personal record for trauma patients in one shift, but finally right around dinner time it slowed down, giving me just enough time to shovel a cold hamburger (leftover from lunch) into my face before my pager started screaming again:

level 1 GSW 5 minutes

God damn it.

Exactly 12 minutes later (damned rush hour) Ryan (not his real name™) rolled through the door.  Screaming.

Sigh.

"Hi Doc, this is Ryan.  19 years old.  We've found 3 gunshot wounds - one to the right upper chest, looks like an exit wound in the right upper back, and one in the right hand.  Vitals stable, decreased breath sounds on the right.  Got two large bore IV's in his AC's."

"AH GOD DAMN MY HAND DAMN GOD DAMN"

I knew at once Ryan and I would get along swimmingly.

On my initial assessment, his breath sounds sounded clear and equal to me (I don't know how the hell the medics hear anything in those ambulances with the sirens wailing), so I doubted he had a pneumothorax (collapsed lung).  He indeed had a gunshot wound to the anterior right shoulder and a corresponding wound (entry? exit?) in the back of the shoulder.  Fortunately he was moving his shoulder and arm perfectly and had a bounding radial pulse, so I seriously doubted the bullet hit his humeral head or the neurovascular supply to the arm (which is much closer to the armpit).  His hand, on the other hand (har har har) was Seriously Fucked Up.

X-rays confirmed that he had no injury to the bones of the shoulder and no pneumothorax, but what he did have were several broken bones and lacerated tendons in his hand.  As I was consulting the hand specialist, I overheard Ryan giving his story to the police:

"I was sitting in my kitchen eating dinner when I heard a bunch of shots outside, and I guess a couple of them hit me."

Yeah, sure you were, Ryan.  I wonder if they actually expect anyone to believe this bullshit story.

After I patched Ryan up temporarily until the hand specialist could come in, I went back to reassess the last 172 traumas (or so it seemed) who had come in that day, suture up some lacerations, and discharge a few who had managed to sober up.  About 3 hours later I was finally nearly caught up when my pager went off again:

level 1 GSW 7 minutes

GOD DAMN IT.  IT IS FUCKING MONDAY, CALL GODS!

We cleared the trauma bay and readied ourselves for the next young man who was about to arrive.  Or at least we thought we did.

The 67-year-old woman who rolled through the door was not what we were expecting.  Nor did she really look like she had been shot.

"Hey Doc, this is Doris (not her real name™).  She was sitting in her kitchen eating dinner with her grandson a few hours ago when a bunch of bullets came through the window.  I think her grandson was brought here earlier, wasn't he?  Anyway, she has one gunshot wound to the left buttock.  No exit wound.  Bleeding is controlled."

Uh . . .

Ahem.  Hm.

I assessed Doris while eating some serious crow, and all I found was a single wound with the bullet retained in her rather voluminous left buttock.  A CT scan confirmed no serious injuries, and a short while later she was walking upstairs to visit her grandson.  I, on the other hand, had several days of making rounds on Ryan and Doris (who was always there visiting) to remind me just how stupid and wrong my stupid and wrong preconceived notions usually are.

If you're wondering about the three hour delay, Doris initially decided to forgo medical treatment when the medics arrived to pick up Ryan because, as she explained it, her wound wasn't really bleeding, she was walking normally, and she thought a few paper towels would do the trick.  And she was probably right.

Anyway, I guess this story proves once again what happens when you make an assumption: it makes an ass out of you and umption.  Or something.  Whatever, I just need to get some goddamned sleep.  Fuck you, Call Gods.

43 comments:

  1. Gotta wonder what they ate. Steak? Pork? Stew?
    And you gotta have some serious bad luck to be shot when inside your house (that or it was a gang drive by. Who knows?)

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    Replies
    1. Whenever I hear a story about super bad luck, it makes me think of the poor Brazilian man who was killed while lying in bed when a cow fell through his roof.

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    2. A few years back in Boston, we had a woman riding with her husband through one of the Big Dig tunnels when one of the massive ceiling panels came loose from its bolts, and all several thousand pounds of it came crashing down onto her side of the car. She died instantly; he had barely a scratch on him. From all accounts, she was a lovely person, and her poor husband was totally devastated. There was another incident involving a manhole cover that was somehow sent flying on the highway and that went crashing through a different woman's windshield, with the same fatal results. Not quite as bizarre as having a cow fall through your bedroom ceiling, but equally bad luck.

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    3. we had a local woman killed by a flying rock on the road. (some time back) the only guess was that the rock had gotten pinched between the dual rear wheels on a truck, and then worked its way free and been flung. more personally, Mrs Ken came home and said "you need to glue the mirror back on the windshield for me" - the windshield which now had about a 6 inch bullseye break from a flying rock.

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  2. I'm wondering at the lack of any other GSWs in the story. either someone was a bad shot, someone was shooting at the wrong house, or the intended victim never got to meet doc.

    I also wonder if Doris' last name is Gump.

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  3. as for the ambulance, the box really does shut out the siren noise pretty well, but it is still not a good environment for precise listening.

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  4. "Fuck you, Call Gods."

    -- DocBastard, 2018


    Ooooh boy. Can't wait for the next story.

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  5. My guess: Drive-by, Ryan was the target.

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    Replies
    1. Not necessarily; gang members or other criminals aren't always the brightest lights on the Christmas tree, and, like many parcel delivery services, often get their addresses mixed up. Plenty of innocent people have been killed, injured, or just barely missed being shot in drive-bys over the years, including young children and infants. Either way, if at all possible, Ryan and Grandma should perhaps look into moving...

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  6. Sighh, so the weekend which starts on Thursday for us and finally subsides mid evening Sunday decided- "fuck yo regularly scheduled programming"..
    Three companies decided to dump their lines on us everyday when we typically have them during graveyard, and so the shit show kicked off.. Thursday was some what peaceful, maybe a lil less call volume but we had the man power ready if it did it's normal, but it did not..
    Cometh friday, I was in tears by 10pm (didn't help a friend died), I was ready to just walk away and let the world implode, I survived.
    I swear it's one of the few jobs where you loathe Friday and Saturday night and don't dare say it because call God's will make you hate your life, when we hear someone say "oh I can't wait for Friday to get here, we always respond with, "this the one job no one looks forward to Friday".
    Sunday rolled around and it was worse than Friday and Saturday, and then it bleed over to Monday.. all I gotta say is how many assholes in the Nashville area going to lock their keys in the car, you would think after the first 500, they would have ran out of stupidity.. I got 8 calls for door unlocks in 15 minutes, that's just 15 minutes of the 4 hours we had them..
    Fucking Monday we have a skeleton crew because it's our slower day, 15 police calls in a matter of 20 minutes proved me wrong, by midnight I was so wound up from the bullshit I looked strung out from stress and watching my little cubicle world burn to the ground. And when I'm stressed I talk a mile a minute and my voice gets a little higher (a lot higher)..
    Monday was a gold mine for the call God's shit show.. My job is no where near as stressful as the docs, I'll put that out there..
    I only dispatch for thirty companies and each one has 1-3 police rotations, and it gets hairy especially with thick southern ass accents..
    Bums have taken to opening our office doors and asking for things, so I'm not too happy with that. I'm already a walking talking mess of stress and then that bullshit, I'm so over it..
    I am looking for a new job. I can handle intense, I can handle stating busy, but I refuse to be called a bitch because the ahole is tired and wants to stay home and sleep and doesn't want to do his police calls, we are forced to call owners to tell them their operator is turning down police calls and the owner usually erupts, and I'm tired of being that bitch in the middle..
    The drunk drivers have the lamest fn excuses, I was minding my own business and that car parked in a driveway jumped out at me and I had to drive off and the other cars ganged up on me on the way down the block so I left my car.. im with you doc, I have become real cynical and a pessimist when people start giving excuses, once and only once has someone told me the truth and I thought it was total bullshit..

    Thanks for letting me vent, my ADHD is flaring up tonight..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I developed the habit of having a backup key on my person years ago, and now I have my key and my keyfob separate, so I can lock my key in the ignition and still let myself in.

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  7. I think we could all use a good laugh right now. Have you heard about the so-called homeopath who is selling audio of recordings he made by placing vials of homeopathic liquids in an electrified wire coil and recording the noise that was emitted. From the LA Times: "The healing power of the liquid, he said, was transmitted into the sound waves he captured." The Calfornia Medical Board isn't buying it and is going after this quack.

    http://www.latimes.com/local/california/la-me-ln-doctor-license-threat-20180524-story.html

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    Replies
    1. Im sad to even be in the same state as this nutjob

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    2. I've heard the same story from another person believe it or not. it must be a thing in homeopathy to use vials of liquids and sound waves

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    3. I'm familiar with the concept of the magic memory water, but the sound waves are new to me.

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  8. Packers And Movers Hyderabad Local Household Shifting Service, Get Free Best Price Quotes Local Packers and Movers in Hyderabad List, Compare Charges, Save Money And Time @ Packers And Movers Hyderabad

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  9. doc? have you heard about the scam out of hyderabad where furniture thieves pose as a moving company?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whatever do you mean they seem like a totally legit company whats wrong with advertising on random blogs?

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  10. What happened to doc bastard?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. good question - he's usually a bit quicker to delete spammers.

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  11. And a lot faster at blogging. This is unusual.

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    Replies
    1. he's been a bit slower these past few months. hopefully it just means he has been busy with family and not that he is losing interest in his storytelling.

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    2. Starting to get a little worried.
      Honestly reading his stories has been such a huge part of my routine for so many years now it feels weird not being able to read one in so long

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    3. He's still tweeting, so he's presumably fine.

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    4. hopefully this doesn't mean somebody found a cure for stupid...

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    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    6. Well ken is (insert politician here) still alive? Yes? Then stupid hasnt been cured.

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    7. When some cure stupid, a better stupid come along :D

      Al

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  12. Nooooooooooooooooo.
    Please, no cure for stupid, outbreaks of sanity are bad for my mental wellbeing.

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  13. I dare him to come back soon before we end up asking a bunch of really crazy, out there, and quite outlandish and hilarious medical questions we can come up with.

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    Replies
    1. Like what would happen if we actually managed to remove Johns head from his ass?

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    2. does John's head count as a RFO?

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    3. Honestly at this point its probably fused to the asshole. Itll be a dangerous surgery to undertake and hes more than likely to die.
      So all in all a win win situation

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    4. if we were to attempt therapy, would we need a psychiatrist or a proctologist?

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  14. (Dials 9-1-1)
    Hello? Id like to report a missing person. Weve not heard from him in a month.
    No i dont know where he lives. No not even the country.
    His name? His name is Docbastard...hello? You still there?
    I think theyll get right on the case.

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  15. Dials 911 again
    "Hello? What's your emergency?"
    Hello? Ma'am my favorite blogger is missing! He needs help right away!
    What seems to be the problem?
    I think he has a rectal foreign object and I have reason to believe he may be doing his own trauma surgery.
    Uh.. ok? What is his address?
    I dont know.
    Uh.. ok.. is in his rectum?
    John! Help! I'm sure its painful!
    Ok maam, we are trying to help.
    What is your friends name?
    Doc Bastard!
    You do realize it's illegal to prank 911 right?
    But ma'am... I'm not.. why are the police here? But ma'am? Ma'am!

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    Replies
    1. Mother of god....john has gone so far up his own ass he has figured out how to go up OTHER PEOPLES ASSES ASWELL! EVERYONE RUN BEFORE HE INFECTS YOU TOO!

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  16. Look... we've bored ourselves Doc.

    ReplyDelete

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