Under normal circumstances everyone around me can't seem to drive safely, but some of these idiots actually do various things to erode their already piss-poor driving skills even further. A few ordinary idiots drink and drive. Some slightly more creative idiots text and drive. Every now and then some really special idiots do their makeup and read the newspaper while driving.
And then you have the rare mind-numbing, slap-yourself-in-the-face, what-the-fuck-are-you-thinking idiots like Nina (not her real name©).
Nina was brought to me one fine morning after she ran her car into a ditch. As she was wheeled in, she was screaming, "OH MY FOOT! OH MY GOD, MY FOOT! OOOOOH MY FOOT MY FOOT MY FOOT!!"
Hm, it seemed her foot was hurting. Ok, so she has a broken foot, I suppose. Simple, I have an orthopaedic surgeon on call who can fix that.
We transferred her from the gurney to our stretcher, and the first thing I noticed was the surgical shoe she was wearing on her left foot.
Hm. That was unexpected.
I asked her which foot hurt. "THE LEFT!"
Well that solves that mystery. But she wasn't done.
"I JUST HAD SURGERY ON IT 3 DAYS AGO! OW OW OW OW OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH OH OOOOOOOOOOH!"
Well that explains that. The next question was perhaps the most obvious - was it hurting more compared to before the accident.
"NO!" she screamed. "IT'S THE SAME AS BEFORE! THAT'S WHY I WAS IN THE CAR!"
If that doesn't make much sense to you, you're not alone. It didn't make sense to me or anyone else in the room at the time either. While shaking my head, I completed my workup which revealed no other injuries. X-rays of her foot were entirely negative, of course.
Several minutes (and several nurses encouraging her to breathe) later, she calmed down enough to explain what the hell was going on, since none of us had been able to figure it out. You see, she had run out of her prescription pain medicine after her surgery, and she was on her way back to the pharmacy to get more.
But, I thought, it's only been 3 days since the surgery. So how had she run out of her pills so soon? Had she misplaced them? Had her surgeon just not given her enough of them? Did her dog flush them down the toilet?
Hahahahaha no, how embarrassingly naïve of me to even consider a normal explanation. No, apparently it was because she had been taking 2-3 times the normal dose, including SIX of them that morning just before getting in the car and driving.
And just when I thought the stupidity had ended, she had one more surprise in store for me in her urine tox screen: she was also high on PCP.
Maybe she thought the PCP would let her fly to the pharmacy instead of having to walk on her recently-operated-on foot. Who knows. I didn't ask her before I perfunctorily discharged her.
If you're wondering, no I did not give her a new prescription for pain medicine. I only give those to people who A) need them, and B) I am reasonably convinced will not abuse the shit out of them.