Sunday, 7 July 2013

Necromancy

There are many things I will never be no matter how hard I try: a professional athlete, a movie star, and a hand model to name a few. And to name another, a necromancer. I've tried my hand at necromancy dozens of times.  I've read all the books, practiced the incantations, mixed the potions, and collected the necessary talismans (talismen?).  Unfortunately my Frankenstein skills suck - I still have no ability to raise the dead.  But despite my protests to the contrary, the medics in my area refuse to believe this. 

These rocket scientists brought me another corpse recently so I could try my hand at resurrection again.  During a domestic dispute a young man in his 20s was stabbed with a kitchen knife by his girlfriend just above the left nipple - a perfect kill shot.  After 30 minutes of struggling, she realised she would never be able to get his lifeless body up the basement stairs, so she finally called emergency services.  They arrived a few minutes later to find him dead, so they did the only logical thing - they declared him dead and brought him to the morgue.  Story over. 

What, have you forgotten the subject of the post already?  No, these geniuses started CPR on this stone-dead man, bundled him up, threw him in their ambulance, and deposited him, CPR still ongoing, in my trauma bay 20 minutes later.  At this point he remained firmly deceased despite my fervent hand-waving and spell-casting.  Maybe I mekalekaed when I should have makalakaed.  I did what they refused to do - I allowed him his eternal rest and declared him dead. 

Perhaps these guys had just watched Miracle Max bring the mostly-dead Westley back to life in "The Princess Bride".  Who knows.  Unfortunately, that's fiction.  Until the medics finally grasp the concept of death being absolute, I will have to continue practicing (and failing) at the art of necromancy.  

7 comments:

  1. It's a pity that the poor guy had to go out the way he did at such a young age, my heart goes out to his family.

    Anyways, I was just curious Doc, anatomically speaking, what made the stabbing a perfect kill shot?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do.
    Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

    It should have been obvious this guy was all dead. There was no twoo wuv there.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You just need to ask the corpse one thing: what do you have that's worth living for?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Did you just state that The Pricess Bride is fiction?! That means... My parents have lied to me. I just, don't know if I can take it. Would you excuse me? I must retreat into my corner to rethink my life.

    ReplyDelete
  5. While I'm sure this is not the case in your jurisdiction, in my area a departmental policy change was instituted that made it all but impossible for paramedics to pronounce on the scene...or in route. Basically, unless the head is physically separated from the body, the remains are charred beyond recognition or you'd need to use a bag to get 'em in the bus the policy is you work on them until they can deposited in the ED.

    As grunts we've struggled to grasp the (il)logic behind the new policies and the only conclusion we can come to is that higher ups have decided that making hospital declare limits liability.

    ReplyDelete

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