- vital forces
- quantum physics
- vibrational remedies
- energy medicine (remedy) to cure an energetic health problem that has a similar vibration
- coherent domains
- alignment of water molecules
- miasms (the weaknesses in our bodies that come from the diseases of our ancestors)
Regardless, having engaged in several conversations regarding homeopathy, and having been blocked by Twitter's three most vocal and vociferous (that's right, vociferous . . . look it up) homeopathy champions (whose names I won't reveal), I kept noticing the same stupid (and fallacious) arguments in favour of homeopathy popping up -
- Celebrity (or British royalty member) X believes in homeopathy
- Millions of people use it
- Homeopaths don't believe in (or care about) science or the cult of scientism. We just know it works.
- Evidence? We ain't got no evidence! We don't need no evidence! We don't have to show you any stinkin' evidence!
- You've never tried it, so your opinion is invalid.
That's right - I decided to try homeopathy, just to prove a point.
I've been dealing with low back pain for at least 5 years. I've seen several doctors of various specialties (internist, othopaedic surgeon, physical medicine doctor), and I had an MRI of my lumbar spine which was, of course, completely 100% normal. There is nothing anatomically wrong with my back, but it still feels like a family of fire ants is battling a clan of scorpions down there all day, every day. I have tried several classes of medicines with varying levels of success (though I have stringently avoided narcotics), and I've found that ibuprofen far and away works best.
I arrived 20 minutes early (as requested) for my scheduled appointment with Dr. Homeopath (not her real name). As I walked in the door I was greeted with soft music that I'm quite sure was meant to be soothing but which I found gratingly repetitive and made me want to jab my ears with a pen within 15 seconds. The receptionist smiled warmly as she gave me a sheaf of paperwork to fill out. There was absolutely nothing unusual at first: the top page could have been found at any doctor's office, asking my demographics, my entire medical history, etc. I got through this page quickly since I'm a fairly healthy guy and I don't take any prescription medicine. No allergies to medicines, only one prior surgery (appendectomy). No serious family history. I'm up-to-date on all my vaccinations (including rabies and heart worms, I think). The reason for my visit and any prior treatments. All the usual stuff.
And then it started to get a bit . . . strange. The first question on page 2 asked if I could trace my symptoms back to any incident, including accidents, injuries, griefs, or "mental upset". Mental upset? It then asked about any serious shock, disappointments, or frights. Well, the movie "Poltergeist" scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. Should I include that? And I was really sad when I lost the grade 4 science fair. Does that count? It then asked which weather pattern I am more troubled by - cloudy or clear. Um . . . cloudy I guess? I was then asked if I sleep with blankets, partially covered, with a fan on, with the window open, with arms/legs outside the blankets, or nude. Nude, of course. I wondered how this impacted any kind of patient care in the slightest, but I diligently (and honestly) pressed on.
Then just after asking how often I weep (not cry, weep) and how often I experience clairvoyance (wh . . . what??), it traversed the astral plane directly from "a bit strange" to "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME??". The paper listed about 100 adjectives and asked me to circle each and every one that described me:
PLAYFUL, TENACIOUS, CUTE, LOYAL, INOFFENSIVE, CONSIDERATE, FUNNY, LOUD, BOUNCY, RESOURCEFUL, BOSSY, PESSIMISTIC, HEADSTRONG, SCEPTICAL, SARCASTIC, BLANK, PERSUASIVE . . .
I wondered why the hell the fact that I consider myself headstrong and considerate should have anything to do with why my back hurts, but I dutifully circled about a dozen of them (no, I did NOT circle "cute" or "bouncy"). I then signed "DocBastard (not his real name)" at the end and wondered what the fuck I had gotten myself into. I didn't have long to wonder, because only a few minutes later I was called back.
That is the end of part one. If I make this any longer, no one will be able to focus long enough to get through all this crap. Part two will be coming soon. Stay tuned, folks. You think the shit is deep now? Just you wait.
Update: Part II can be found here, and Part III can be found here.