Monday, 8 September 2014


It's that time again, folks!  That's right, time for another story about my favourite idiot -


Everyone knows the unwritten rule about pregnant women.  I don't mean "Don't touch the pregnant belly" because it seems everyone breaks that rule (as odd as that is).  Seriously, why do random strangers feel it is their right to approach a pregnant woman they don't know and pat her abdomen?  How did that ever become socially acceptable??  

No, the rule I'm talking about is "Unless you are 100000% positive she is pregnant, don't ask a woman about her pregnancy.  Ever.  EVER.  EVER EVER EVER."

I hear the gears in your collective brains turning, and you're already putting 2 and 2 together.  A story about an idiot . . . Doc is the idiot . . . asking a woman about pregnancy . . .

Hahaha, no I did not break that rule!  Please, I'm not that stupid.

No, I'm far stupider.

One of our trauma nurses was pregnant recently with her first child.  She only works part time, so I don't see her that often.  After an absense she returned, her belly still somewhat large.  I couldn't remember when she was due, so I thought I would ask.

"So Tina (not your real name), when are you due?"

As I listened helplessly to the words tumbling out of my mouth, it dawned on me that the last time I saw her had been about 4 months ago, and that she had been about 6 months along in her pregnancy.

Hopefully you're not really bad at arithmetic or somehow missed that health class where you learn that human gestation is only 9 months (well, 40 weeks actually).  In case you don't see the problem, Tina spelled it out for me. 

"Uh, I had my daughter a month ago.  Today is my first day back."

A dead, awkward silence then ensued for what seemed like an hour.  During that 2 seconds of real time (but what seemed like an hour of Stupid Time) of excruciation, she looked directly in my eyes, and I swear I could actually hear her silently screaming at me, "I JUST HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO TAKE OFF THE BABY WEIGHT, ASSHOLE.  BUT THANKS SO MUCH FOR FUCKING POINTING IT OUT ON MY FIRST DAY BACK, YOU GIANT SHITHEAD!!"

I realised immediately that there's just no recovery from that gaffe, and I may as well have slapped her in the face and called her a whore, because that would have been somehow less insulting.  So I said the only thing I could have done - 

"Haha!  I know that. I'm just kidding.  Have any pictures?"

I'm 99.99953% sure that she didn't buy it, but only because you'd have to have the brain power as low as a homeopath (sorry, I had to throw that in) to believe such a ridiculous excuse.  But pull out the baby pictures she did, and after we cooed together over her 25th or so photo, all seemed forgotten. 

It was another close call.  I'm not sure how many more of those I'm going to get before my brain goes too far and gets me into real trouble. 


  1. No man, see you used the homeopathy stuff and now your brain power is diluted. Poor doctor B.

  2. the fascination people have for pregnant women baffles me. I know it is one of the wonders of the natural world that a female can manufacture a living being inside of her. I just can't figure out why people seem to think she can't do it without their personal input.

  3. Hey Doc, I got a skin question for you. Is it a bad idea, or does it interrupt the healing process, the pick a blood clot from your skin? I've cut a cut on my foot (or rather, six) which I got several days ago and I want to know if picking the clotting will make the skin heal over faster or not?

    1. It will do nothing but interfere with the healing process. Don't pick at it.

    2. I was expecting sarcasm to a random medical question in the comments, and instead found the same warning my dad gave me with every wound I'd ever gotten. I suppose this means I really shouldn't have picked and that my dad DOES know what he's talking about... At least sometimes.

  4. Haha! This same exact thing happened to me after the birth of my second son. I went to my 10 year high school reunion and had someone ask me when I was due. Uh, he was born a month ago. Der! That was 21 years ago and it's still funny when I think about it...a little awkward in the moment though.

  5. I don't know if you've already been asked this question - but out of curiosity, just what are the qualifications to become a trauma surgeon and/or general physician? Does it change depending on the country, city, state or whatever a person lives in, or are the expectations pretty much the same?

  6. Doc PLEASE don't start thinking before you speak

  7. I doubt Doc is that stupid, Anon. Plus what you said is a total giveaway. I'm kinda curious myself.

  8. Big bellies are common for all the women in my family. So my patients have asked me when I was due. I feel bad for them being embarrassed. It doesn't bother me.


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