So far I've written about stupid doctors, stupid lawyers (oh, I thoroughly enjoyed that), stupid questions, and of course stupid patients. But I haven't written about someone stupid who wasn't my patient.
Some people I can just tell will end up either in my trauma bay or on a cold steel slab soon, some sooner than others. For example, when motorcyclists pass me on the highway like I'm standing still, I usually yell after them "See you soon, idiot." Not that they can hear me, of course. But screaming at them somehow makes me feel better.
I got a call from the ER at midnight about a patient who was actively dying and needed immediate surgery (I'll leave out the details because they aren't relevant). I apologised to my wife for waking her (as per Bastard household protocol), jumped in my car, and raced towards the hospital. Fortunately in the middle of the night there's usually no pedestrian traffic to worry about.
Got that sense of foreboding yet?
Halfway to the hospital I nearly ran over a woman who I can only describe as leisurely strolling across 3 lanes of traffic. Bad enough? Of course not, but I'm sure you knew it got worse. She was also wearing all black in the middle of the night. What, still not stupid enough? Ok then, she was also looking down at her cell phone, not paying any attention at all to the world around her.
I have no idea (nor do I give a flying fuck) if she was updating her Facebook status, tweeting about what she was doing in the middle of the road at midnight, or flinging pissed-off birds at pigs. Regardless, she didn't even bother to trouble herself to look up as I slammed on my brakes and swerved, barely missing her. She did, however, pause long enough to yell "ASSHOLE!" and give me a nasty gesture.
I shrugged off this idiotic encounter and got to the hospital in time to take my patient to surgery, which she survived. It was speed, not dumb luck, that allowed my patient to survive that night and make it out of the hospital in one piece. It was the exact opposite that kept this imbecile OUT of the hospital and out of the morgue.
I imagine her latest tweet was "OMG just almost got run over lolol #yolo"