So without further ado, allow me to present the Official DocBastard Confessional. Some assembly required, batteries not included, please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery, your results may vary.
- Though my stories are real, there is one that I nearly wholly invented. No, I will not reveal which one, because what's the fun in that?
- I was never really considering dumping my anonymity, though I did have a passing thought about it. I just wanted to gauge everyone's response to the idea, and I confess it was the exact opposite of what I had expected. Sorry for using you good people as guinea pigs. Not really.
- I love building furniture almost as much as I love performing surgery. If I could make as good a living doing woodworking, I would retire from medicine faster than a 50-50 thinned coat of lacquer dries.
- I hate hospital politics and actively avoid any and all committee meetings.
- After a particularly stressful day, I sometimes come home and take out my frustrations on my wife. She knows what I'm doing and why, and she always lets me do it because she knows it makes me feel better. This is just one of the approximately 6,836,356 reasons I've identified (so far) why I love her.
- I love cold, rainy days because it keeps the idiots indoors and out of my trauma bay.
- I enjoy taking care of people, but every now and then I'd like a day where the Call Gods have mercy on me and let everyone stay blissfully uninjured.
- I wish I could hit some of my patients, but only the ones who really deserve it.
- Finding and writing new stories for this blog that I think won't be boring and/or repetitive is becoming increasingly difficult.
- I wish some publisher would stumble across this blog and ask me to make a book out of it.
- I like the smell of cauterised human tissue.
- I'm not sure if that last one makes me a cannibal, but I am sure I don't really care.
- I have a not-so-secret man-crush on Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Seriously Neil, call me.
- Sometimes it seems ibuprofen and coffee are the only things that get me through the day.
- I love getting fan mail, and I have kept all of the emails I've gotten.
- I love getting hate mail even more, though I haven't gotten any in a while. No, I'm not asking anyone to write me any, thank you very much.
- One of my colleagues left a bottle of wine in my call room as a Christmas gift, and I was tempted to drink it while on call. No, I did NOT drink it. I know this is supposed to be a confessional, but come on.
- I sometimes speak more kindly to my female patients. Sorry gents, but that's just human nature.
- I still tell my idiot female patients that what they did was stupid.
- I've never once actually felt remorse for telling my idiot patients that their actions were stupid.
- There have been a few times during an operation when I've thought, "What the fuck do I do now?"
- While I enjoy challenges, I'd MUCH rather do a simple appendectomy than a complicated perforated appendectomy with an abscess.
- I'd rather watch "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" while making out with Miley Cyrus and listening to Justin Bieber than do a dead bowel case. Dead bowel is the worst possible smell in the world, and even if I double-glove and wash my hands repeatedly afterwards, the stench stays on my hands for days. Forget any finger food for a week.
- One of these confessions isn't true. No, I will not say which one, because what's the fun in that?
Well folks, there you have it. I'm sure there are other more egregious sins I've committed, but either I have forgotten or am too bashful to confess them. Hm . . . I think that's the first time I've ever described myself as "bashful".
- Believe it or not, I can be bashful.
Ok, now I'm done. Really. If any of you have anything you'd like to confess, leave it in the comments below. But I warn you that I will not assign you any Hail Marys, Our Fathers, or any other Penance, and you will not be absolved of any of your sins. And I confess that people may be amused by your confession, but you might just feel better nevertheless.
And . . . go.