Based on the title you may be worried this post will be some theistic diatribe. Nay, never fear, intrepid readers. I would never subject you to such nonsense which I would never want to read and which, I'm fairly certain, violates several portions of the Geneva Conventions. However, Mrs. Bastard has often told me that everything happens for a reason and that things may be signs from above, so while I don't have any idea what those reasons may be, I sometimes wonder if she's right.
What happened recently with Claudette (not her real name©) made me rethink things and wonder if Mrs. Bastard could be right.
Claudette was the passenger in a car accident early one morning. Incidentally, why is it always 1 AM? Doesn't anyone want to get into an accident and let me take care of them at 2 o'clock in the afternoon? I'm fully awake, I'm done with lunch, I have nothing better to do, so get into your accidents then! Come on! Wait, where was I? Oh right, 1 AM. Apparently her boyfriend (who was driving) fell asleep at the wheel and went off the road, hitting a tree. The tree, which was not moving at the time of the accident, didn't give one flying fuck that a car just hit it at 120 kph and remained exactly where it had been before the car hit it. Trees are kind of funny that way. Anyway, I have no idea what happened to her boyfriend, but Claudette was brought to me in a bit of a daze. She didn't have a scratch on her, but she clearly had a concussion. A CT of her brain showed a small subarachnoid haemorrhage. Fortunately she had no other injuries, and three days later she went home, sore as hell, but otherwise ok.
She followed up with me in my office about a week later. When I walked into the examination room, the first thing I noticed was the sheaf of papers from the hospital sitting on the exam table, along with her mobile phone and a cigarette lighter.
Bad move, Claudette.
If you know anything about me, you know that I look for any reason to get on people's cases for smoking, but I knew my "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SMOKE?!" tirade would have to wait until I finished my exam and explanation about what she should expect as she recovers from her brain injury.
Wait wait wait, aren't you going way off topic here, Doc? Quitting smoking is great and all, but since when is this post about that?
Oh pipe down, you. I'm getting to it. Stop being so damned impatient.
As I was saying, after a thorough physical examination, I explained how her symptoms may last for several more weeks, but that I expected a full recovery. She told me how she couldn't bring herself to drive yet, and that she still freaked out whenever she tried to get in a car or saw headlights. She went through her long list of questions for me, and when she was finally done, I took a deep breath and gave her my best "STOP SMOKING, DUMMY!" speech. She looked rather embarrassed the entire time, but she nodded along compliantly. When I was done, she looked up with a sad little smile and said,
"You know, it's funny . . . when we got in the accident, we were on our way to the store to buy cigarettes."
. . . Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there it is. If that isn't a clear sign that she is supposed to stop smoking, I don't know what is.