Sunday 6 October 2013

More things I don't understand

I consider myself a pretty smart guy, but there are certain aspects of the world that continue to baffle me despite heavy rumination on the subject.  Yes, rumination.  Look it up.  I shall now expose even more of my fallibility by admitting to yet more things I will never understand:

- women
- where the fuck that lost sock went
- why that moron in front of me won't get out of my way
- how anyone eats pickled herring
- why some idiot patients feel the overwhelming need to lie to me
- why these idiots think I'll actually believe their ridiculous stories

To wit, a fine young gentleman (read: idiot) was brought to my fine trauma bay after he was allegedly assaulted.  Assaults are often amusing because of the preposterous stories they tell.  Fortunately this guy was no different (and no smarter) than the rest.  His story was just slightly different than the one the police told.  Let's see which one is more believable: 

Patient's version: So I found this set of keys on the ground outside my apartment, right?  And I thought I would be a good citizen and return them to the rightful owner, you know?  So I did what any Good Samaritan would do - I tried the keys in a bunch of doors until I found the one it would fit in so I could give them back.  I should get the Nobel Peace Prize and stuff because I'm such a good guy.  But a group of thugs thought I was trying to break in, so they beat the shit out of me with a hammer. 

Police's version: He stole a set of keys and was trying to break in to a house when the neighbours saw him and beat the shit out of him with a hammer.'s hard to decide whom to believe.  


  1. I hate the word 'whom'. I know how to use it but it never feels right.

    1. It never feels right because so many people use it wrong. I always want to use it (properly) but then I feel like I sound like the pompous arses who use it wherever "who" should go, because look! they can use fancy grammar!

  2. By a hammer and he survived to lie. No wonder his story is messed up.

  3. What was fucked up worse, his story or his face?

  4. The lost sock went down the washing machine drain. This was explained to me by the washing machine repair man fixing my not draining washing machine. He retrieved a missing pillow case from my drain line. Never set the level to high, light things will float right over the edge of the basket and down the drain. It's the washing machine that eats the socks, not the dryer.


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