Monday, 10 September 2012

A woman scorned

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." - William Congreve, The Morning Bride

"We shall find no fiend in hell can match the fury of a disappointed woman." - Colley Cibber, Love's Last Shift

It seems I'm not the only one that knows not to piss off a woman.  Sure, men can get angry and cause mayhem, but when a woman gets mad at you, you'd better run.  Fast.  Unfortunately this next patient never figured that out.

A very drunk man was brought to me this past weekend having been stabbed in the neck.  IN THE NECK.  The wound wasn't bleeding, so it was clear that the jugular vein and carotid artery weren't injured.  On initial examination, the wound was just about 2 cm (less than one inch) long, a bit above the right collar bone.  Because he was so drunk and belligerent, I sedated him and put in a breathing tube so we could do our workup.

Once he was sedated I wanted to assess how deep the wound was, so I put my finger in the wound...my entire finger.  It takes a lot of force to plunge a knife that deep, so this was obviously done by someone thoroughly enraged.  My secondary exam of the rest of him only showed no other injuries and a tattoo of "Mary" on his left chest (not her real name).

After a battery of further tests, it turned out that no major structures were damaged, and I sutured the wound closed.  I was approached by a police officer as I was finishing, and she told me that his girlfriend Betty (not her real name) was in custody for stabbing him.

"But wait, but the tattoo says Mary!" I hear you say.  Well, yes...and that's the problem.

It turns out he's been married to Mary for several years, but he never bothered to tell his girlfriend Betty about her.  He and Betty were getting hot and heavy in her kitchen and she was tearing his clothes off for some mid-day drunken hanky panky.  He was too drunk to remember to keep his shirt on, which he had done every other previous time so she couldn't see the tattoo.  Unfortunately for him she caught sight of his tattoo for the first time.   After a brief interrogation (consisting only of "WHO THE FUCK IS MARY??"), she grabbed the first thing she saw - a steak knife.

Now you never have to wonder why I treat my wife so well.

12 comments:

  1. You didn't close the parenthetical at the end of the last paragraph. Sorry, but that's one that bugs me.

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  2. ^ That open parenthesis will haunt you for the rest of your life.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, pipe down you two. I almost didn't fix it just to bug you, but I hope you're happy. :)

      Thanks for pointing it out.

      Delete
  3. Thank you for posting more frequently, Doc. I love it!

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  4. Your post's are one of the only things keeping me sane during my first few weeks of college. Maybe now I won't be so nice anymore to the drunken idiots who don't shutup on my floor. Thanks Doc. :)

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  5. A scorned woman is indeed a VERY dangerous woman, never ever mess with one of us lol...you do and you'll get what's coming to you, either thru us or karma! ;-)

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  6. I read a quote that stated women do better research than the FBI. I swear that's the truth, haha.

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