Monday, 21 December 2015

Interview with Mrs. Bastard

Ok folks, I asked, you responded, and now you're getting what you deserve.  I compiled the list of questions that you asked Mrs. Bastard, and after a lot of prodding, begging, and pleading she grudgingly answered almost all of them.  A few were duplicates, a few were a bit too personal, and one or two were just too bizarre, so they were unceremoniously dumped faster than a Kardashian marriage. 

So without further ado, in no particular order, here is your interview with Mrs. Bastard.  I tried to keep my own comments out of it, but this is my damned blog and I'm totally an attention whore, so I just couldn't keep my stupid mouth shut the whole time.  So any pithy comments by me will be placed {in brackets}.

Now you fine people are about to learn part of why I married this woman.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Dear Mrs. Bastard,
What is the hardest part about being married to a doctor, and what is the best part?
I don't think there is a best part about being married to a doctor.  The best part is just being married to Doc (not his real name™) {awwww} - it has nothing to do with his profession.  The worst part is that he isn't here a lot of the time.  We miss parties and dinners because I don't want to go by myself.
What are some of the things both you or Doc did which lead to a successful and lasting relationship despite the difficulties?
Me not giving a shit anymore.  Not having as many expectations about Doc being present for stuff. {Love you too, dear.}
What is your favorite "trauma story" ever?
The Coke bottle up the ass.
Has being married to a doctor ever caused tensions in your marriage?  If so, how were you able to overcome those tensions?
I think there is always tension, because I can't plan vacations without knowing his schedule, never knowing if when I have to go on a business trip I can coordinate it with his schedule, never knowing if he'll miss the next school play or other big thing in our kids' lives.  I don't think we ever overcome those tensions, we just learn to deal with them and work through them methodically and logically. {See why I married her?}
How did you two meet?  When did you know he was "the one"?  I want to know the mushy side!
{TOO PERSONAL!  DON'T ANSWER THAT!}  It was a mutual stalking and love at first sight on both sides.  {Damn it.}  Our courtship involved lots of movie rentals (when that still existed) and pub trivia nights.  {And if you want to know our top-secret pet name for each other, FORGET IT.}
Are you a doc as well?  Which of you decided he should be known as "DocBastard" and why?
I'm not a doctor.  The "DocBastard" was all his idea.
What do you work as?  It's mentioned that you work, but I don't believe it's ever been indicated outright.
I'm Wonder Woman. {Seriously, she is}
How did the name "DocBastard" come about?
I have no fucking idea.  {Yes she does!  For the real answer, see this.}
If one of your children decided that they were going to become a doctor, what advice would you give them?
We would not allow this travesty to happen.  My kids are smarter than that.
I think DocBastard has mentioned in a previous post that you work too - do you ever find it difficult to judge your own work commitments alongside raising a family, given that your husband has a really demanding job with unpredictable hours?
Of course.  That's why I have a mobile full of "to do" lists.  Speaking of lists, did you change the light bulb above the piano yet?  {No dear, I haven't.  Damn it.}  And you should all know that Doc does NOT keep "to do" lists, so I have to keep HIS lists too. {Because, fuck lists.}
What is the most inconvenient time the Call Gods decided to borrow the doctor?
Nothing naughty!  But there have been more than our fair share of dinner parties, birthdays, and middle-of-the-night interruptions which everyone is used to, including the neighbours.
Does he put his freezing cold feet on you when he finally crawls into bed?  If so, do you swat him with a pillow?
HA!  Good one!  No, it is quite the opposite, which is why Doc now wears socks and sweatpants to bed so I can't achieve my goal of foot warmth.  {Damn right!  I have no idea why her feet are always so cold, even in summer.}
What is your favorite book?
George's Marvelous Medicine by Roald Dahl.
Do you read all of Doc's blog posts?
Most of them.  I usually catch up on them when I have bouts of insomnia and want something to put me to sleep.  {Gee thanks, dear.}
Do you typically talk about work (either his or yours) at home?
We talk about his work all the time, because I want to know if there were any blog-worthy traumas.  We talk about my work occasionally.  My work, though far less interesting than his, has its fair share of blog-worthy idiots.
What are the TV shows that you watch together?
Game of Thrones.  I can't believe we have to wait until April for next season, damn it. {I know!  Damn it.}
What about Doc drives you crazy?
Staying up until all hours of the morning writing this fucking blog.
Would you ever go back to school, and if so, for what?
Asking if I want to go back to school is like asking me if I want to be pregnant again.  HELL NO.
What is your biggest regret?
Eating that sushi when I knew I shouldn't have.
Is Doc really a bastard?  I doubt it, but the question begs to be asked.
I've never seen him at work, so I have no idea if he really is a bastard there.  But if he were a bastard at home, he'd be a homeless bastard.  So, no.
What is Doc's most irritating habit?  And what do you think he would say is yours?
Pen flipping!  His fingers are always moving.  As for me, he would say that my most annoying habit is asking him to do something and then doing it myself if he doesn't do it in what I consider a timely manner {which, for her, is about 0.482 seconds}.  I also squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle. {Come on!  The tube even tells you to squeeze from the bottom!  Grrrr...}
Do his stories ever gross you out?
No, I can't remember him ever showing me anything that really bothered me.  Everything is fair game, and I think our kids are even used to it by now.
How often does Doc tell you stories from his work that you'd have preferred not to hear?
Almost never.
When you and Doc get a chance to plan a "date night", what activity do you prefer?  Quiet evening at home, dinner and a movie, dancing and drinks at the club, evening at a play or opera, comedy club, or . . .?
As we both are actually spies, it's really hard to accommodate our day jobs and our parallel lives as spies.  But if we actually did have time, we would choose dinner and a movie. {Or would we?  Dun dun DUN!}
If a movie of Doc's life were to be made, what actor would you choose to play him?  Who would/should play you?
Oh, that's easy.  Doc would have to be played by Denzel Washington, and I would be played by Salma Hayek.
Mrs. Bastard - you really don't mind him calling you "Mrs. Bastard" on the internet in front of everybody?
He calls me WHAT?  Oh my god, you're right!  Stop the press!  Let's go back and change every blog post ever!  What was I thinking?  I should have a little more self respect!  Actually no, "Doc Asshole" and "Mrs. Asshole" just don't have the same ring to them.  I think DocBastard and Mrs. Bastard hold.
If Doc wasn't a doctor, what career do you think he would have chosen or been good at?
He would be a plumber.  Not a good one. {I'm pretty sure that isn't true.  And I resent that.}
Mrs. B. - I find it fun to ask for the impossible and watch people work really hard to give it to me.  Your hubby seems up to a challenge so hopefully you are as well.  Here goes - please describe) as best as possible because I am quite sure there is no such thing) a typical day in the life of the Bastard family.
Boring and routine, just like pretty much every other family in the world.  Go to the gym, wake up, shower, get kids to school, go to work, worry about all my lists, make more lists, do some shit on the lists, come home, get kids home from school, look at dinner list, take something out of the freezer and check it off the list, nourish the Little Bastards (Doc too, if present), bathe the Little Bastards, put Little Bastards to bed, do more work, go to bed.  Rinse, lather, repeat.
Does Doc ever bring his work home with him?
He is always working because he has patients in hospital all year round.  There is little work-associated mess that comes home, and he were to make a mess, you better believe he would clean it up. {I believe in always cleaning up my own mess.} 
So there you have it, folks.  Hopefully after reading that you can understand why I snatched up this woman before some other guy grabbed her.  A sincere thanks to everyone who submitted a question.  If you have any others, you'll just have to wait until next year's interview (assuming she hasn't had me assassinated by then).

Oh, and if you're wondering - yes, Salma Hayek.


  1. and a merry christmas to all of you, may the call gods suffer an acute bout of narcolepsy during dinner.

  2. That was fun! Thanks for playing, Mrs. Bastard. And thanks, Doc, for all you do to help people and to keep us entertained.

  3. That was pretty great! Thank you :) Have a wonderful Christmas Doc and family.

  4. Thank you, both, for doing this. Mrs. Bastard is funny. Funnier than you are. *ducks* With that wonderful sense of humor I can see why you snatched her up.

  5. My question made the list! *puffed with pride* Thank you Doc and Mrs. Bastard.

    Happy holidays to you and all the readers.


  6. Your wife sounds awesome. Terrifying if you cross paths, but awesome.

  7. "I also squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle." monster.

  8. Thanks Mrs. B for all the answers! I'm wishing you all very calm Christmas days and a nice, uninterrupted dinner!

    And, Doc, better go and change that light bulb, before your wife gets to it!

  9. Buy Mrs. Bastard a delightful European hot water bottle for Christmas. My husband did this two decades ago and my feet are warmer (and so are his). It was very best Christmas gift he ever got me, I'd rather warm feet than gold jewelry any day.

    1. My husband has the freezing cold feet and he delights in trying to put those ice cubes on my warm legs. I bought a microfiber blanket and put it on top of our fitted sheet so he could lay on it or under it - no need to worry about water leaking out and his feet are warm.

      To give credit where it's due, he's made a point of not doing that since I started treatment and feel so lousy...


    2. As a European I have to ask what are no European hot water bottles like? How different can they be?
      (Also my question made it on I feel irrationally successful)

    3. as a non european, I had to start with what a european style one is so I could tell you the difference.

      and after some time on google, I can confidently say the difference is American ones only come in red.

    4. Ah I was beginning to suspect they were those floppy circular things you see on sick people's heads in old cartoons

    5. I think those are ice packs! Same principle (thermal regulation) - but a *much* different temperature! :)

      Happy New Year to the Bastard Family and all the SFTTB readers!

    6. old fashioned ice bags. an early and possibly misguided attempt to fight headaches by cooling the brain.

  10. Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year to all you bastards xx

  11. Thanks to both of you for giving us the gift of warmth and laughter! Wishing all the Bastards a joyous holiday season! :)

  12. Merry Christmas to all you Bastards!


  13. Thanks to you two for this wonderful christmas treat!
    Have a wonderful christmas time (with as less interuptions as possible ;))

  14. I've been reading this blog for a long time (as an ER nurse, I find it very relatable) and figured it was about time to finally comment.

    You, Doc, are funny, but your wife is absolutely hilarious! If you're reading this Mrs. Bastard, thank you for being willing to answer questions and provide us with laughter and entertainment.

    Merry Christmas, Bastard family! I hope you have a wonderful holiday!


  15. "I've never seen him at work, so I have no idea if he really is a bastard there. But if he were a bastard at home, he'd be a homeless bastard. So, no."

    Best answer by Mrs Bastard, IMHO.

    1. One that every physician should have stitched in a sampler and PROMINENTLY displayed in their home.

      As a friendly reminder!


  16. i noticed that Mrs. B put, in the description of a day in her life, "go to the gym" right before "wake up." that's exactly how i schedule my life as well. haha
    thanks guys. :)


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