Friday 29 August 2014

Faux pas

Though I know it seems like I have a way with words (not really), I actually have very large feet that I insert very firmly into my very large mouth with some degree of frequency.  That is to say, sometimes I'm a big idiot.  Most of my little gaffes are innocuous enough and provoke little more than a chuckle, guffaw, chortle, or lol (yes, I know a few people who actually say "lawl" aloud, as redundant as that sounds).  But every now and then my mouth moves much faster than my brain can process what comes out of it, and words spill out like verbal diarrhoea before my brain can yell "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and stop me from making an imbecile out of myself again.

What throws me off more than anything else is seeing someone out of context.  It generates one of those "Where the hell do I know you from?" moments in my brain from which it is very difficult for me to recover.  I tend to fumble over words while trying to think, and my brain and mouth get completely disconnected.  I seem to have no control over what comes out while my brain tries to wake up and save me from myself.

I had just such an event recently that made me hate my brain.

I was shopping recently with Mrs. Bastard when an attractive young woman with a big smile approached me.  She looked somehow familiar, and I knew I knew her, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out how.  I immediately challenged my brain to figure it out, but my brain was not up to the task.

Me: Is she a friend of my wife's?
Brain: No stupid, she's coming up to you, not to her. 
Me: Damn . . . a former classmate?
Brain: Ha!  Not even close.
Me: Someone I used to work with?
Brain: No.  Ok, maybe.  Possibly.  Fuck it, I'm not telling you!

The woman and I started chatting, and unfortunately I was forced to fake it for a few seconds while my brain continued doing cart-wheels trying to figure out just who the hell she was.  Finally she mentioned one of the hospitals where I work, and a synapse finally closed in my stupid brain.  'She's a nurse!' my brain screamed at me.  'She's a nurse!  You work with her at {name of hospital redacted}!!  That's it!'

I was so used to seeing her in her scrubs that I hadn't recognised her out of context in her street clothes.  The feeling of utter relief at my brain's triumph was completely overwhelming.  So overwhelming that my brain temporarily (but completely) shut down while my mouth continued moving.

"Oh, so this is what you look like with clothes on!"

Dead.  Silence.

Had my brain been working properly 2 seconds prior it would have prompted me to say "street clothes" or "regular clothes" or anything other than exactly what I just said.  I'm not sure who blushed more furiously - me or her.  I then started laughing, one of those nervous, stupid, "What the fuck did I just say?" kind of laughs.

Mrs. Bastard was NOT laughing.  Fortunately since we've been together nearly half our lives, she knows me well enough to know exactly what I had meant and didn't take it too seriously.  I, on the other hand, wanted to find a very deep hole big enough for me and my stupid brain to crawl into.

Of all the idiots I write about, my all-time favourite idiot remains me.


  1. I'm crying, that was beautiful

  2. I died when I read; "Oh, so this is what you look like with clothes on!" That's hilarious!!

    1. I literally slammed my phone on my bed. I needed a moment.

  3. Don't you just love when your brain skips a word?

  4. Glad I'm not the only one who has a brain with a twisted sense of humor.

  5. I'm having a similar case right now. I've seen a similar scenario, somewhere. Damn you, brain!

  6. Hilarious.
    Glad I'm not the only one finding it hard to quickly recognize people without thier uniforms.

  7. This earned a face palm and a loud "LAWL" from me. Made my week!

  8. Thanks Doc for this story but especially for confirming that there are people out there who actually say 'lol.' I do too and always feel embarrassed afterwards


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