Wednesday 4 December 2013


Which animal has more neurons, a lobster or an ant?  If you said "ant" then either A) you are an entomologist or B) you cheated, because any reasonable person would never guess that ants have 250,000 neurons while lobsters only have 100,000.  Granted those 100,000 neurons control a very delicious organism, especially when it's dipped in drawn butter.  Or baked in ravioli with marinara.  Or Thermador. Or...

Wait, what was I talking about?  Oh right, brain size.  In comparison, a cockroach has a million neurons in its brain, a mouse has 75 million, a cat has a billion, and humans have 85 billion. 

I think that roach has this next woman beaten. 

At 3 AM she drove her car into a ditch while drunk (of course).  This normally wouldn't have even make a blip on my radar since drunk drivers are so common, but there was something about her demeanor that was annoyingly familiar.  She was so thoroughly obnoxious, condescendingly calling me "sweetheart" (a very bad move), that it caused a synapse in my own brain to close.  

I know that condescension, I said to myself. 

After a quick search through our computer system, I found out why - I saw her almost exactly two years ago after she ran her car into a light pole.  She was just as obnoxious then, yelling at everyone that we needed to be extra careful "because I'm 7 fucking months pregnant!"  I guess she kisses her baby with that mouth.  Thankful as I was for the sage advice, I was just as thankful that she wasn't seriously injured.  That time.  Yes, I'm foreshadowing. 

Just as I was about to smugly confirm my suspicion, something else caught my eye - she was seen again 21 months later (that would be 3 months ago if your brain didn't do the math quickly enough) after, you guessed it, another car accident.  She had given birth to yet another baby 2 days prior to that accident, so I suppose she was out celebrating her new bundle of joy by drinking heavily, smoking PCP, and driving into a tree.  Again she had no serious injuries, but she did have another smashed up car. 

Now fast forward to last night.  Yet again she was drunk and high on PCP.  Except this time the Call Gods decided that this idiot needed to learn a lesson.  I wonder if her broken knee, broken back, and broken neck will teach her anything.

Then again, she would have to have more brain cells than a sponge to learn that. 

In case you hadn't guessed, sponges don't have brains. 


  1. My god, who the fuck gave that woman a driving license? Or a fucking car?! Seriously, aren't there laws in Bastardland to revoke drunk drivers' licenses?

    I know there's such a thing as medical confidentiality, but I also know that in my country and I assume most other countries, it's just as illegal NOT to report about a patient that poses a threat to himself and/or others. This DEFINITELY falls under that category. I don't know how many people this woman has killed, but do your part to keep that number from growing.

  2. Are you allowed to report your patients to the police?

    1. I think in some situations it's ok.

    2. Probably varies by legislature, and we have no idea where Doc lives, so I guess we'll never know.....

  3. I'd actually honestly guessed Ant over lobster. Ants form colonies and perform specific tasks. Lobsters lay on the bottom of the ocean and pretty much do nothing. And if nothing else, I applied puzzle logic figuring the "obvious" answer would be wrong.

    As for the moron in your story, Doc, I'd say a lobster has more smarts. Actually, I think a brick might be smarter. Or, as you said, a sponge.

  4. PLEASE tell me she wasn't pregnant this time, too? Like, maybe she has some completely useless evolutionary response that makes her wreck her car toward the end of the birthing process. MAYBE it's survival of the fittest, trying to minimize her impact on the gene pool! Yep. I'm pretty sure that's it.


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