Sunday 18 May 2014


Some men just seem to have it.  No, I don't mean herpes.  I'm talking about "IT".  You know, that special something that very few men have, that ability to make women want them and men want to be them.  Casanova had it.  Ryan Gosling has it.  George Clooney has it.  I have it . . . ha, um not really.

Anyway, some guys just have that personality.  Women swoon and bat their eyelids and dream of white picket fences and puppies in the yard (and possibly slightly naughtier things) the second they see these guys.

So there's Jude Law and Ryan Reynolds . . . and then there's Mikey.  Mikey didn't exactly have "it".  I'm not sure what the opposite of "it" is, but whatever that is, Mikey had that.

Nothing good happens at 3 AM, and that's when I met Mikey.  He was laughing and giggling and slurring like a schoolgirl as the medics wheeled him in.  Ok, maybe schoolgirls don't exactly slur, but you get the idea.  Regardless, as we were all staring at the besotted mess that was Mikey, he sat up, looked around the trauma bay, and slobbered, "Hey, at least you guys brought me to a hospital with cute nurses!" with a very creepy leer that exposed his 5 remaining teeth.

Every single woman in the room (nurses, physician assistant, students, techs) rolled her eyes and gagged in unison.  You know how women who live together often end up syncronising their menstrual cycles?  Yeah, it was kinda like that, even with the moaning and groaning and complaining.  I kid, ladies.  I kid.  Actually I groaned right along with them at his sheer brashness, and that only made him smile and laugh.  Creepily.

I introduced myself, and he looked immediately disappointed that I didn't have boobs.  I made sure not to apologise for my testicles.  "What happened, sir?" I asked him, bracing myself for more misogynistic, drunken ramblings.  As expected, I was rewarded with exactly that.

"Well there I was at the bar {shocking revelationminding my own business {sure you were} and all of a sudden these three guys were all up in my shit!  So they start a fight with me, and then outta nowhere all three of these guys started punching me in the face!  Three of them!  So I finally got sick of different dudes punching me {you finally got sick of it?  Why did it take three of them for you to get sick of it?}, so I was chasing after this one guy, 'cause I was gonna beat his ass, and then I noticed I was bleeding because one of them stabbed me, I guess.  Hell I didn't even know I got stabbed, Doc!"

On the right side of his neck was a 3 cm superficial stab wound, nothing a few sutures wouldn't cure.  It was clear this guy would live to brawl and womanise another day.  As I was wondering what had gone so wrong that had made not one, not two, but THREE different people want to assault him (though based on his behaviour I had a strong feeling I knew the answer already), I asked my assistant to grab a few suturing supplies to fix him up.

"And while you're getting stuff," he said with another creepy look, "how about you get me your phone number so I can call you later!"

"How about not!" she replied with a shudder.

"Why not?  I don't see a ring on your finger!"

She turned around and silently held up her wedding ring while staring him full in the face.

"Well NOW I see it.  Damn."

I turned around and looked him dead in the eye.  "You will be respectful with my staff.  NOW."

That shut him up . . . for about 5 seconds.

After this little episode, there was not a doubt in my mind why those men had tried to knock him out.  Whether he had been hitting on their girlfriends or just acting like a general nuisance, he had obviously fully deserved it.

Ladies, on behalf of men everywhere, I apologise for the existence of men like Mikey.  Men like Orlando Bloom make women drop their panties at the sight of them.  Women drop their panties at the sight of men like Mikey too . . . but only because they've soiled them.


  1. Thank you for the apology. It seems to me that men like Mikey live in emergency rooms. I have never been to one where there wasn't one. Makes me wonder why any nurse wants to work there.

  2. The hospital I work at has a contract (I think) with all the local jails, prisons, and other various correctional facilities. 99% of the men coming from those places are "Mikeys". Absolutely disgusting. Sometimes the guards are just as bad with the leering.

  3. "…but only because they've soiled them." Hah!

  4. Possible mental illness. They're all over the place.

  5. I wish I'd have worked with a doctor who called patients out for such bad behavior. Instead, we have to get even in our own special ways... oopsie, did I not insert that IV bevel down? OMG I am so sorry I forgot to use lidocaine when I was catheterizing you. Oh gosh, it's been so long since I've done a Z-track injection, I plain forgot that PenG or FeSo4 should be injected that way.

    1. Double oops: Did I forget to insert that IV catheter bevel up?


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