I will confess that I had trouble deciding on a title for this post. It was either going to be "Backup plans" or "WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF FUCKING MORON??!" I thought the second one was a bit overly dramatic, so I chose the first. The reason will become clear in just a second. Backup plans are very simple concepts that most people have heard of, especially skydivers. If you're going to jump out of a perfectly normal plane on purpose...
By the way, just as an aside, why the hell would you jump out of a plane?? ON PURPOSE! What is WRONG with you people?
Ahem, as I was saying, if you're going to jump out of a plane, first make sure you have a parachute. That's obvious, of course. Second, in case that first parachute fails, you'd better be damned sure that you have a backup parachute. Having a solid backup plan in place when your first plan is potentially deadly should be obvious, right? Since I'm writing this, it obviously is not to some people.
My pager woke me out of a very deep slumber at 3AM, which happens to be exactly that time of morning that makes me want to either throw the pager against the wall or pretend I didn't hear it and go back to sleep. Instead, I acted like a nice boy and trudged down to the trauma bay to see what the cat dragged in. The scent that greeted me at the door was reminiscent of a pub on a Saturday night - a combination of cigarettes, booze, and dreary desperation. The 48-year old woman (whom I shall call "Boozy") that was emitting this odor greeted me with, "HEY YOU, GET THIS SHIT OFF ME!"
That sound you just heard was me groaning from all the way over here.
Boozy (not her real name, though it was her real scent) had been a passenger in a car that had gone off the road and had an unfortunate encounter with a tree. (HINT: the tree always wins.) Luckily she had no major injuries, though she was thoroughly intoxicated (please, try to control your surprise). Remember, however, that she was a passenger in the car. Have you noticed anything strange?
Right - where was the driver? Why hadn't he been brought in for evaluation? Had he refused treatment? Had he been abducted by aliens?
Had he died in the wreck?
No, no, and no. Boozy's friend had been the designated driver, and after hitting the tree he pulled his friend Boozy out of the car and took off running. But why would he do such a thing? Why leave your drunk friend literally lying bleeding on the side of the road?
Because he was drunk too. Boozy's brilliant backup plan consisted of getting in a car with someone drunker than she was. I'm not sure who is stupider - him for getting drunk while being the designated driver or her for getting in his car.
If you have no backup plan, then you have no plan.
P.S. To all those who took the time to either post a comment on the last update or send me an email (and to those of you who didn't but come here nonetheless), I give you my sincerest thanks. I hope you continue to follow along this ridiculous, merry little journey with me. - Doc