Monday, 13 February 2017

Jerk

In trauma I see all kinds of patient imaginable - male, female, old, young, educated, uneducated, nice, and asshole.  There are other types too, but I'll leave the rest to your imagination.  Of all those types, the nice ones are the easiest to take care of, but they make for very boring stories.  That's why you rarely hear about them here - they just aren't very interesting.

The assholes, on the other hand, make my time in the trauma bay much more entertaining.  I can't say I prefer them per se, but this blog would frankly be impossible without them.

And thus enters Jack (not his real name™).

When Jack was first wheeled into my trauma bay, he immediately rubbed me the wrong way.  It wasn't so much that he was acting obnoxiously, because he wasn't (at least not at first).  Actually when he first got there, he was happy and giddy.  I could almost describe him as spunky.  He was smiling sharply, almost demoniacally so.  He seemed to be muttering rhythmically under his breath.  It took me a few seconds to realise he was singing.

"Hey everybody, this here is Jack," the medic started as he helped Jack off the gurney.  "He crashed his car into a tree for some reason, don't know why.  He refused to get out when the police got there, so they kinda roughed him up a bit.  I think they whacked him on the left leg a few times, but I didn't take his pants off to look at their handiwork." 

"They choked me too," Jack tossed off as the police officer shook his head No, we didn't.

He had definitely been beaten about his head, but he had no other obvious injuries.

Unbeknownst to me, Jack was well known by the emergency staff as a bit of a wanker, a jerk.  Ok, that's putting it mildly - he was an asshole.  He was also a frequent flyer - he seemed to come to our hospital on a regular basis whenever he took PCP, which was often.  I examined him from head to toe, and other than having been spanked around a bit, by some stroke of luck Jack didn't look too worse for the wear.  He tugged on my lab coat as I tried to walk away.

"Doc, they beat me.  They beat me good."

I had to hand it to him, he was definitely persistent.  But something about Jack's behaviour was rubbing me the wrong way.  I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.

About a half hour later Jack's X-rays were all done, and they were (shockingly) all normal.  I walked back in to give Jack the good news, but what greeted me was not was I expected.

Jack's hand was at his groin under the sheet, moving rather quickly.  Wait, is he . . . It took me about 0.298 seconds (I didn't count) to realise what he was doing.  Oh fucking hell, he is!  There was no mistaking it and I wasn't imagining it - this was actually happening.  Now at this point I had three options:

  1. Turn right back around, walk out, and pretend I didn't see anything.
  2. Stand and stare, completely bewildered.
  3. Ask him politely to stop.
I chose #3.

"Jack," I said, not believing the words coming out of my mouth.  "Please stop masturbating."

No one had been looking at Jack before, but as soon as I said it, every set of eyes in the room turned immediately to Jack.  "Jeez. . ." I heard several people mutter under their breath.  For me it was hard just standing there as Jack sat smiling for just a moment, obviously pondering his options.  And a second later it became obvious that the option that he went with was keep going.

Um . . . now what?  What the hell do I do now?  I was unprepared for the situation to begin with, and completely unprepared for this eventuality.  He was supposed to have stopped!  Unlike most situations, I had no prepared statements, no social norms I could fall back on, no fucking clue what to do.

So I shook my head and walked out.  I had no other ideas.

Apparently he finished a few minutes later, because when I went back, he was getting dressed and preparing to leave with the police (he was under arrest for the car accident, not for, you know, that other thing).  He had no shame on his face, no sheepish smile, seemingly no sense of remorse.  He almost looked proud of himself.  My staff, on the other hand, looked downright thrilled that he was leaving.  Obviously.

I've said it many times here before, but just when I think I've seen it all, just when I think the Call Gods can't possibly think of anything new to throw at me, they come up with something.  However, the day that the Call Gods call it quits is the day that I retire SftTB, because my source material will have officially dried up.

Note: A special prize will not be awarded to whoever finds the most.  If you don't know what I mean by "the most", then you are guaranteed not to win.  And by "special prize" I mean my undying esteem and respect.  Not really. 

38 comments:

  1. I got 16 but a couple repeated.

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  2. Maybe... 20, with occasional repeats. Beat that. Beat that furiously.

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  3. I got 14. Not counting the duplicates.

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  4. I got 15, and I THINK I didn't count any twice.

    and I suspect I know why he pounded his car into the tree.

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  5. I count 16, and that is some way to start my morning.

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  6. I counted 21. And fun fact in arizona apparently its illegal to PRETEND your maaturbating in "public" i.e. in front of some random person. That apparently was a huge problem when filming borat or bruno cant remember which. And now whenever I read Spunk im reminded of the issues coke had when trying to sell dasani in britain.

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    Replies
    1. does that mean you CAN do it in front of specifically selected persons, or is that illegal, too? ;D

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    2. Not a clue. From california so no such law here. As far as im aware.

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  7. Undoubtedly I missed a few because I'm a woman and we do things a little differently �� I know a lot of the euphemisms but clearly not all...

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    Replies
    1. we'll finger something out for you.

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    2. Hehe, you're too punny.

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  8. Someone's going to have to fill me in on what 'the most' is, I sure as hell can't see it :(

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    1. also, shouldn't it be "whoever finds the most" rather than "whomever finds the most"?

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    2. tallying the euphamisms for what the whacker was doing.

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  9. My favorite was "...the medic started as he helped Jack off the gurney."

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    Replies
    1. For the record that is my favourite as well.

      I mean, I have, uh, no idea what you're talking about...

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    2. Just look into the neuralizer and everything will be juuuuust fine

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  10. I'm didn't get them all - 25 including repeats. In the process of figuring it out, I found that the correct grammar for this phrase is "whoever" not "whomever"... English is a pain.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah like though is pronounced differently than through or how people say gif vs jif even though the guy says its jif. Then you throw into the mix what if you take the g sound from giant. Jif.

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    2. Michelle - After extensive research (really), you are absolutely right and I stand both abashed and corrected.

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    3. On that side-note, regardless of what was quoted, it stands for Graphics Interchange Format. Thus G.

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  11. Lol, just seriously wrong.. And here you can run around naked as long as you are not lewd or indicent. Masturbating in public is against the law, I can't say about a hospital.. He probably crashed while driving and masturbating, lol, yes it does happen..

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  12. You definitely had fun with this one, Doc!

    I can't believe the gall of this guy...

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  13. Doc, did you plan this post this way? Or did it just come to you?

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  14. As to what you should have done when he did not stop, like they say if you can't beat em, join em...

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  15. i can see why it took you so long to finish this one.

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  16. I've gotten 18, if you don't count his name. I gotta hand it to ya, you sure do pound out some great stories.

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  17. I had 15 without repeats, but I'm sure I missed some along the way...just how *do* you manage to whip them out like this?

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  18. I counted 35, including repeats!

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  19. Hey Doc! - I thought you were not supposed to give away patients' real names!

    Your Jack was clearly Jack Mieoff, well know associate of Heywood Jablohmie.

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  20. Very imaginative Doc,
    Seems Jack is whacked when he's on PCP, crashing into trees...I bet he dances constantly to MJ's "Beat It", likes to choke the chicken, spank the monkey, and is a total jerk off... but when Jack's off the PCP, he never crashes into things, so no more swollen head, and single handed antics while driving. ✋
    Jack & Jill

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  21. 14 without the repeats! Now that was fun, Doc!!!

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